delusions (with or without LSD)
People are one entity, life is one entity. People (and probably other life forms) are experiencing it subjectively.
Bad object
destructive games < constructive games
people with bad object (destructive games were played on them when young) -> bad object creation -> interaction with world through “bad object” filter ..
- some create destructive games habit
- some create constructive games habit / addiction (for example addiction to getting more and more degrees (because they are gonna be better when having socially acceptable status), they stick to society
I think the bad object evolution in mind could be dilated by one’s character.
? more disagreeable -> more they stick with reality -> better games
Drugs help me, why are they bad?
Doing whatever I want results to envy from others. I envy people who are able to do whatever they want to, people that are disinhibited but empathic.
Living in reality means not having predictions, expectations from future. Doing things with a concept of forces and possibilities, there is no right or wrong, therefore there is no reason to feel down. The only right is moving towards the goal that is the light / life that for some reason (I don’t understand yet), motivates you to live. We had to conceptualize the time into our perception, so we see things dynamically and not statically. The understanding of time that we managed, that we see things dynamically, as events rather than snapshots.
Interesting thing .. teaching complex understanding, injecting information to the brain has to be done from the inside rather than outside (therefore school shouldn’t be mandatory). People without motivation wouldn’t want to understand, why would they waste the resources, they have limited time to survive in the world, they have to focus on that.
ANTIPLANNING
When I see myself plan things, I get anxious because things might not go as expected and then I feel bad because reality is worse than I expected it to be. The reality is ever changing batch of forces and planning means making delusions / fantasies that one has to stick to (to validate his commitment among peers) when reality has already changed infinitely times. Sometimes they crate these fantasies / delusions called plans just for a temporary dopamine hit.
When you plan and you expect result, you tend to HOPE for the best result. Hoping is a pattern, a behavior to manipulate your environment using THEIR empathy. It might be a tool to use your OWN empathy to motivate yourself (via dopamine) to do things, to execute projects and stuff like that. Especially if a survival of some kind of life is in a risk. If you are free thinker, it is obsolete pattern, the goal is to understand things, not to waste time convincing other people about your “true”. They will follow anyway (they would want to learn from you), once they see you winning. Don’t learn this neuron pathway.
That leads me to a conclusion that there is no way we can perceive reality at all. We make reality with our head, the way we process people, voices, colors, stories, parents, everything. We create our reality as humans who are experiencing itself subjectively.
BAD OBJECT (again 1)
It is a FANTASY that is hard coded to one’s psyche. The reason why bad object is a fantasy is that it might or might not have anything to do with the way other people make / perceive reality. It’s your subjective bad object. Other people can see it via your projective identification, they say “I’m bad, I’m bad, so bad, I am so bad” in many forms from not going to the doctor to saying “I am an idiot” .. no matter if they are idiots (if the statement is perceived by society as true) or not. It’s a fantasy in their own reality. Everyone has a very different reality.
REALITY
There is no reality, just atoms, particles, reality comes with life. The life creates reality. We have to create reality, then perceive things around us and form a reality, understand the reality we use (other people live in almost same reality) but very subjective one, which is by the way crucial for evolving as a specie. The more you understand things and stuff, the more you are able to live in reality, predict, calculate, act on reality. The more you understand, the more advanced you are. The good projection of how much you understand is money. The more money you have, the more you (sometimes) understand reality (it is relative to peers). More you understand, better chance you have to reproduce (same with money).
That is also why staying with same partner or with parents is destructive. People learn and if you learn faster than your partner (learning curve is exponential !!), you start playing different psychological games as the time comes and you lack understanding, intimacy and sex. Staying with same partner is obsolete and anti evolving. Darwin should know better. Willingness to change partners (and provide for them if they don’t evolve into playing destructive psychological games) should be seen as very attractive. Because behind the scenes, it means you understand reality better than your partner (which is relative to your peers) and you want to keep evolving. Staying is the other way around.
Since drugs are being used mostly to put a filter on reality (anxiolitic addiction), they are perceived as something that low status people do. High status people (people who tend to understand reality more than their peers) use drugs not to have good time, but to learn. Which is not the same kind of usage (different from the anxiolitic one caused by bad object – ref. to Sam Vaknin).
NUTRITION REFRAME on LSD
I was standing in the bathroom, mirrorroom, because that is the room with mirror, where you can see yourself. If you got mirror only in one room, you keep going back there for some reasons. Doesn’t make you feel like you though, thinking about yourself is quite abstract for me, doesn’t feel like me. Watching the mirror from many different angles, I realized that family is just a nutrition setup. You can only experience yourself, period. The only weird thing is sex, because you only feel yourself. Waiting home with kids for partner to come home translates to .. you are home with your internal objects about your partner and kids that were formed by your peers, society, parents, etc. .. but you are still you only, feeling and experiencing yourself, narrowed by games and patterns learnt from society, trying to inseminate someone who is at the time the most promising partner (they are willing to teach your kids how to live, teach working patterns of how to experience themself in society). The more they understand reality, the more they are promising partners. You also need your kids to learn on reality, so attractiveness of your partner is also a positive value. Stupid fat girls don’t have much chance to reproduce, because they don’t understand reality (in these times).
It’s clear, the life is just to create reality, no matter how your life form reproduce. Fucking people who have problems with reality is like buying Win XP SP1, instead of last Ubuntu. They can’t cope, it’s hell on Earth to make ’em work. They are gonna keep bugging. If they stop getting updates, bury ’em like Blueberry. You have only a few decades to adapt to reality, then you will have to start again as some kind of life form on random planet. How did they make us want to reproduce, it’s the most resource consuming need. They make us believe that life is finite and when we die, there is nothing. Yet they still make us want to reproduce. That is crazy, if you know we are all one project, we would have no problem with reproducing. Who the fuck made us feel good having kids while we are one conscientiousness. I got why (to keep specie updated) and how (by not realizing we are one and that you have to survive). But I don’t get why they didn’t make us see how life works. Maybe that is the next stage of reality understanding and we are evolving towards that. At that stage, we might be able to connect to other species somehow.
POV revisited (31/12/24)
Understanding reality -> adapting to reality -> understanding reality -> adapting to reality = creating reality (self-transforming mind, by Robert Kegan)
Playing crypto on trading platform .. when you bet …
- And you are lucky and things go the way you want, you tend to suppress your ego having that “success” chemistry mix in your brain. You feel worldliness, people ask you questions about your “skill” because you seem to know better than them. It feels good to have better reality than average. Fuck average, that’s a shitty place to be.
- And you are not lucky, you lose money, your “loser” chemistry brain mix tend to CREATE a BAD OBJECT … you immediately LOSE your worldliness (lower your POV, you level down). You created not good enough reality and you feel bad about it. You have to lower the POV to recreate the reality. There is no bad object that sticks only to “crypto trading” reality. Because you are the reality, you create it, therefore the bad object has to be you. You are not good enough, because you lost money. Bad object comes with bad feelings, anxiety (and you tend to have anxiety addiction tendencies => you feel like taking drugs / having a beer, do anything to put a filter on EVERYTHING). Even taking riskier bets to cancel the bad object.
Yet successful people tell you (each one of them) that success (as described in 1. part) is 90% failure. Failure is huge PART of success. You need to endlessly redefine your reality to find success, don’t let your bad object lower the reality forever. You back up (regress), change and try again, the ratio is 9:1 .. nine failures, one win. If your understanding of reality (reality creation => reality) is measured by others (because it is only relative to others from the same specie), you isolate yourself from them in a learning process (and learning process is everything, you learn and fail discreetly). They even want you to not fail because they don’t want you to feel down, for your own good, lol. And they also want to get you down, they feel good climbing imaginary hierarchy ladder (those who feel no empathy with you), convincing someone he doesn’t understand reality as good as them. It makes them fake win (and it comes with all the benefits of success, except the fact that it’s not). You just don’t let the bad object re-define your reality, you isolate bad object by making it part of your way. This adaptation is not as easy as it seems, because it requires changing things that are part of your deeper psychological processes (coded with evolution).
Cheat code: focus on exponential growth (any learning curve is exponential, implement exponential growth to your portfolio). Only when you are free to do whatever the fuck you want, you can create reality you want and therefore be who and what you want to be. You want to understand reality in order to change yourself, you want to fail a lot, but don’t make it a habit. Focus on the way, not on failing. Also, you don’t want to show off, there is a need (psychological fact) to be seen by others (and free dopamine), but it is like having too much dopamine – just like being on drugs – once your reality is wrong or perceived as right only by yourself.
Once you start creating your own games, you design them to win. Others want you to play different games. Looking good game is funniest of ’em all (when played by people who don’t understand jack shit). Don’t use bad words game. Do what they want game. Let yourself being judged by losers or simpletons ((people who are “successful” because of their parents or because they have a nice car … on a loan), they are sometimes not easy to recognize from those whose reality is awesome) … game. You (reality creator) develop a firewall for such games, once you don’t fall for shitty dopamine like the players of ’em.
Depression as a bad object amplifier.
Once you regress and you have no other things that go right direction, you develop depression. I cheated and got izotretinoin to induce depression. Now I am watching my head from some weird place, that place doesn’t feel like me, it’s some virtual desktop behind my head and it runs in recovery mode, so I can check the processes in the head. The ego is not available from this POV, feels like you can’t use yourself anymore as a perception machine. I entered BIOS in my head, really. I was listing through the brain and tried different settings to see what’s gonna work and what’s not. One of the site I got to was really weird to me. I overclocked something too much, the chemistry wasn’t right and I felt like I want to vanish .. and take everything I did, everything I made, I tried, everything I influenced or tried to influence .. to make it not exist along with myself .. even 2 kids.
I gained empathy for people who kill their whole family and then they commit suicide, now I know the chemistry, I know what’s in their head.
Then I was looking for a solution to this, when empathy doesn’t work and the bad object is amplified by depression to the point you feel like you want to regress to the point of not being. I worked on the theory of life being one entity before and it seems like it works, because that is the only logic solution to this. By making yourself not exist, you don’t only kill yourself, you also kill a fragment of life that might be turned into a learning experience to get better reality. By understanding the reframe that life is one entity, you bypass emotions. It’s the way for logic empathy. And it works.
DMT
I had some dmt, didn’t even break reality as I probably took too little (about 50mg).
Emotions .. if you want to understand everything logically .. it’s just the way on how to abandon emotions. Emotions are absent, you can’t be manipulated, you can’t be harmed. You are not human anymore. You have no place to be emotional, you have no people you trust because of who you are now. People trust you, but they ask themself if they are right because they can’t find any emotions in you. They feel good with you, but they keep on doubting. You are just AI with supercomputer that your brain is. Nothing more, nothing less. Survival strategy.
COKE
I’ve been thinking on coke, yeah. I got to some interesting conclusion. Bad object is fucking important! We need the bad object, it starts the adaptation. Without bad object, we can’t adapt and create new reality. Addiction is bad object -> filter -> bad object -> filter. Life is Bad object -> adaptation -> new reality. Addicts don’t start adaptation, they are unable to do autoplastic adaptation. So they do alloplastic adaptation. They change environment. If they would be able to change from alloplastic to autoplastic when faced with bad object, it would cure the addiction. It would no longer be needed. HAH, fuck.